start pedaling
9/17/25



i went looking for layout templates and i didn't like any of what i found. (typical me.) so i'm relearning html/css. it turns out, a lot of it is like riding a bike.

i'm starting to remember The Old Ways.



today was a string of small catastrophes and minor irritations. nothing life altering, just an endless string of missteps. so many dropped items. my cat stepping in poop and walking across the floor. trying to use an app and hitting the wrong buttons over and over. it would almost be nicer for there to just be one, singular, big problem in my day. that i can confront and conquer, and then carry on. but this was a thousand little cuts all day long, and now i am exhausted.

there are many things i want to talk about in here. topics that have weighed on me for the better part of my life. that i've always wanted to put into words, to express every feeling as deeply as possible. to lay myself out bare, to pick myself apart. and hope that perhaps once i've finally written it all down, i won't think about it ever again. this journal feels like the perfect outlet for that.

but the problem is, i feel like i can't launch into those topics until i build up a bit of a catalog of entries, first. entirely silly and completely incorrect. but this is one of the ways in which my brain isn't quite right. the fact that i want to nonchalantly write about my mother's death, my family's abandonment, the way no friend has ever loved me the way i loved them. as if they are nonchalant topics. just oh oops, i happened to spill my guts about my deepest pains and insecurities. unsure how that happened!

previously i'd thought about getting a substack to put these thoughts into. but that felt so exposed. i don't want my identity linked to it. i don't want people i know to ever find it and know it's me. i want anonymity.

when i was young, i wrote in paper journals. and that was fine. but then the internet happened and online journals became a thing, and i joined that throng. and it felt so empowering in a way writing in a silly little paper journal never did. because here i could have total anonymity, but others could read and know my thoughts.

i think it's a very human drive, to want to be known. but i have never trusted anybody in my life with my innermost thoughts. only the most unknown of internet strangers. and the feeling is mutual. i love digging into someone else's psyche; carving into their thoughts and feelings and figuring out who this person is.

so i guess i should just go for it, and stop with the self-limiting criteria of what i can put in this journal. it's just been so long - decades - since i had a truly anonymous outlet. but like the html, i think it will be like riding a bike. i just have to start pedaling..